Rewinding

I have been wanting to look at my life as it has unfolded. I can see so many bends, turns and twists in the path I have travelled. The accidents, the fellow-travellers and the robbers that I met on the way. It's such a jumble at the moment.

I remember the first time I came to the city leaving my town behind. I had left my family behind in search of a career. The only person whom I carried in my heart was my mother. I can't make out today whether it was support that she gave or inspiration that she triggered in me. But one thing for sure, I was determined to strike it on my own. I didn't want to remain a town girl with an oily face and hair made up in two braids. Neither did my mother. She was a woman with an exceptional resolve and a mind of her own. She was running a school that was set up by her father in the small town, while my father kept meekly at his government job. The comparison sounds a little unfair today, but at that time, I couldn't fathom my father's utter passivity towards life.

I was hardly 16 at the time, but felt that longing towards doing something big. I couldn't put my finger on it. I vividly recall the uneasiness I felt with my friends whose vision never went beyond the bounds of the town. They were content to do household work besides their studies and their minds were fixed on the impending marriages. All that the girls thought of was who their future husband would be and what would he be like. It was all so stupid. Only a few girls from better-off families would go to college after school. They would never talk to the boys, but keep to themselves and chatter about the new fashion in the one film they saw in a year.
I didn't want any of that utterly silly stuff. I wanted to do something else. I didn't know what I was made of, but knew I was my mother's daughter.

And so soon after giving my School exam, I told my mom I would go to the big city and study. She said, do your college here and then move. I told her I couldn't stay in this place any longer. I felt claustrophobic. "Mom, don't worry about the expenses. I will find a job and pay for my education." "Who will give you a job?" "There are so many firms there. I will try. If I don't get anything, I will come back."

I came to a distant uncle of mine who stayed in a small apartment in the city. Immediately I started looking for a ladies hostel. Luckily the city had umpteen of them and I chose one that was in the better and more modern part of the city. I think my uncle was relieved to see me go there. I felt I was breathing free for the first time. I shared my room in the hostel with another girl from a district place. She was working with a construction firm.

I remember the morning in the hostel when I looked at myself in the mirror. I quite liked my eyes. They glowed. The face was a little longish, but it was not bad. I couldn't help my dark complexion. I thought of my two sisters. Most of my aunts used to like them better. They had pleasant features. Mine were supposed to be too sharp to suit a feminine face. I had cultivated a defiance towards my aunts. At least I wasn't girlish. Neither did I share their childish ideas of what a girl should do.